One Last Hurrah

HURRAH!

... Sorry, just had to do it.

Sooo, some of you may have noticed that I didn't recap last week's episode of Revolution. I fully meant to -- in fact, I was obnoxiously typing notes the whole time -- but then I sat down and read them and fell asleep. Seriously, last week was lame. I was going to write about this week's episode, but then I made a sandwich. You can see where this is going. Sorry if you were hanging on to the edge of your iPad; something about Charlie's bugeyed yoda face just won't let me concentrate.

In other news, the Write-a-Thon is drawing to a close this week. So far I've given one person advice about pants, mailed two honest-to-god letters, ranted about online dating, posted a picture of a platypus, and gotten interviewed by 826 Boston (you have to scroll down the page a bit for my colorful commentary). I'd say it's been a pretty good run!

If you're dying to read the sequel to Top 10 Reasons I Will Not Return Your Message on Match.com,  you're gonna have to scramble; raising $150 for 826 Boston was supposed to be my encouragement for delving deep into my relationship psyche, and I'm fairly off-target at the moment. 

Should you feel the urge to reach into your wallet, just know that the children of Roxbury, Mass and I are extremely grateful for your generosity, and that I may or may not feel the urge to make out with you. Unless you're my parents/close relatives. That would be gross.

Revolution Recap: Season One, Episode Two

When we last left our Revolution crew they were slogging it out sans electricity, dodging attacks from a dictator-led militia and risking their lives for a towheaded asthmatic boy. Next up on NBC's As the Generator Turns…

1. We get a trademark JJ flashback! Episode 2 cuts back and forth from 15 years after the powerdown to 1 week after, when the Mathesons are just starting to migrate out of the newly darkened city. Pint-sized Charlie is threatened by a bad man who wants the family’s wagon of food. Dad refuses to shoot him, so he starts to walk away with their only hope of survival. Oh no he didn’t.

 2. Back to the future: Drunkle Miles, Hottie Heroine, Former Google Guy and Dead Dad’s Squeeze are all on the move looking for Asthma Boy – trailed, naturally, by Ambiguously Evil Crossbow Guy. Miles fights off a pack of militia men with some swashbuckling sword action, takes everyone to a black market to find some chick that’s good at blowing things up and has to rescue Charlie from yet more militia (“It’s one day into this trip and you’re already a pain in the ass.”) Couldn’t agree more, Uncle M!

 3. Meanwhile, Creepy-Ass Government Man still has Asthma Boy hostage. They take a pit stop at a house with a dead deer, and we find out: (a. Guns are only allowed in powered-down America if you’re a sociopath, (b. Asthma Boy has lines in this show.

 4. Miles leaves the black market to continue the search for Some Chick (“I’ll meet up with you guys in two weeks – just magically find me in the middle of Hicktown, Indiana”), Charlie tiptoes away to tail him, using a clever backpack-under-a-blanket-to-look-like-a-sleeping-person-wait-what? technique. She notices Crossbow Boy is still following her so she pretends to twist her ankle, he rushes over to make googoo eyes at her, and she handcuffs him to a pipe. Awesome. She catches up with Miles and begs him again for help finding Danny ("HE GETS THESE ASTHMA ATTACKS!").

 4. Back at the ranch, Squeeze mourns over her dead iPhone and Google Guy does a terrible job of assuring her they haven’t seen the last of Charlie (“We’ll see her again. “How do you know?” “Because… we will.") To cheer her up, he shows her the medieval data necklace Charlie’s dad gave him and they depart to go find the nice lady with the computer.

 5. Miles and Charlie come upon a work camp. Turns out people get put in chains for owning American flags, talking back to the militia and wearing their baseball hats backwards on Tuesdays. Some Chick turns out to be a hot slave with perfectly tweezed eyebrows. M&C launch a daring rescue mission, but it turns out Eyebrows got busted on purpose so she could steal a rifle from the camp foreman and give it to a bunch of rebels who want a re-United States.

She questions Drunkle’s motives in helping Hottie Heroine (“Seriously, what’s your angle?”), then agrees to help for similarly no reason. In a rare fit of usefulness, Charlie offers to enter the camp as bait and shoot the foreman so they can snag the gun and go get her brother. Miles says she’ll choke.

 6. We flash back to the Matheson family and the bad man, who’s about to get away with their booty. Mom grabs the gun from dad and shoots him dead. Totally fierce. Guess it runs in the family, because….

7.  … Charlie DOES shoot the foreman. But then she goes and spoils it by pulling her Yoda face and whining about killing people. Sigh.

8. Then things get really wacky. Computer Lady is trolling some chat rooms when she hears footsteps outside her secret room. She turns around and a guy with a taser (!) and a medieval necklace just like Charlie’s dad’s (!!) is standing behind her. He has a deep voice and knows who she is (“Hello, Grace.”) She frantically types RANDALL IS HERE.

9. But wait, there’s more! We cut back to Unambiguously Evil Dictator, who’s taken time out of his busy torturing schedule to chat with Charlie’s mom, who is apparently still alive and sporting a spotlessly white, pressed blouse. He unsubtly tells her that she no longer has a husband, and that he has her son captive. She tries to stab him with a pen. He cheerfully chokes her and says it’s time they talked about the true source of the power outage. Dun dun dunnn….

Did you enjoy my writeup? Want me to keep doing 'em? Donate to the Write-a-Thon and give yourself a pat on the back for being an upstanding human being.

You asked for it...

"Shy" is not an adjective I generally use to describe my friends, but you guys seem to be Shrinking Susans about asking for advice -- even when it's an anonymous request. Come on, people! I'm offering you unfettered access to my brain.

Fortunately, one brave soul stepped up to ask me about pants:

Juliana, 

Is it wrong/unstylish/horrid to wear yoga pants excessively? Even if you're wearing them purely due to a steadfast commitment to comfort? I've recently started a new, much more professional job, so I've stopped wearing them to work, which I admit has been much more difficult than expected. But I really don't see a problem with wearing them while running errands, lounging around the house, hanging with friends or even going to the occasional yoga class... Will I wear them to a bar or a fancy-ish dinner? God yes, and I'm proud of it (you can dress up yoga pants with great boots and kick-ass jewelry - any fool knows that). So lay the truth on me sister... Am I freakish?

Anonymous,

You are asking a girl who showers and heads straight to work with wet hair every morning; I am all about shirking my womanly duties to look spring fresh, so my first instinct is to say you should not be shunned for wanting your butt hugged 24/7.

However! I will perform the blowdry song-and-dance on special occasions, and it sounds like you aren't giving any ground in that arena. Dub me a fool if you like, but I pair my kick-ass jewelry with a similarly kick-ass outfit when the situation calls for fancy; anything less would be uncivilized (plus, "dress" code? Not a coincidence). Sounds like you need to Step it Up 2: Da Streets.

This advice has been brought to you by the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, who remind you to love your sisters, love yourself, and mail your favorite item of clothing around the globe every two weeks. What could go wrong? 

Heads up, gentle readers: We are about two weeks away from the end of the Write-A-Thon! Have you gotten your donation in yet? Remember, you can still sign up to get a handwritten letter or chip in for Part Two of my online dating chronicles -- once that cute little money thermometer hits $150, I will crank that sucker out. Keep in mind that your donation goes toward helping 826 Boston inspire kids to become writers, and also keeps me from the bottom of the participant list (right now I'm 23 out of 39 -- we can do better).

In the meantime, keep your eyes peeled for my recap of Revolution episode #2 tomorrow.

Screw your friends

Don't get me wrong; friends are great! They eat lunch with you at food trucks, leave pages of birthday messages on your Facebook wall and mock you when you're standing emptyhanded at a bar. However, they're not always reliable when it comes to advice. Feelings can get hurt when face-to-face honesty's involved, especially regarding outfits, and it takes an especially brave pal to say "We all hate his guts" when asked about your new boyfriend. It could take several years and a messy breakup until the truth comes out and you realize no one was rooting for your long distance relationship to succeed -- hypothetically speaking.  

Why not skip all the heart/headache and ask ME for advice? I'm usually a pretty nice, polite person, but I've turned on the anonymous commenting option. Now that I won't care if I'm offending someone, everyone wins! 

So go ahead; ask me anything and I'll reply with my actual thoughts in the next post. As a bargain exchange for my invaluable wisdom, all I ask is that you donate $5 to 826Boston. If not for me, do it for the children. The chilllldrennnnn.

Revolution Recap: Season One, Episode One

... Or, What I Did On My Dystopian Summer Vacation

Some Mondays you just have to mutter "It's you and me, couch," and curl up with the remote. I am staunchly against adhering to primetime television's ideas of when I should be home, consuming canned advertising without the option of hitting the fast forward button, but given the buzz around NBC's new show about modern people going primitive I thought I'd give it a shot last night.

A couple pre-showing notes:

My roommate remarked that Revolution's probably benefitting from the afterglow of the Hunger Games, what with the family-oriented hardass heroine battling for survival alongside a crossbow-wielding hottie who may or may not want her dead. I see what you did there, JJ Abrams.

On to the recap! I didn't take notes, so this is purely off the details encrusting my brain.

1. We get a few minutes of normalcy wherein the Matheson family (two tuned-out kids and a harried mom) blithely uses up all the electricity ever with their TVs, iPods, laptops, etc. Mr. M comes home and has just enough time to warn his wife that all this luxury shall pass before they're plunged into darkness and forced to eat lots of instantly melted ice cream. Oh, did I mention he manages to transfer a file into a flash drive and disguise it inside a medieval-looking necklace before that happens?*

2. Outside is chaos; planes fall from the sky, cars turn off. Mr. Matheson's brother Miles is on his way to some secret military base with his buddy* and has to walk.

3. Flash forward to 15 years later. Everyone's gone Amish, kinda, except they wear expertly fitted leather garments and still have guns. The Matheson girl, Charlie, is an expert hunter who misses her mother*, dislikes her dad's new squeeze and is pissed she doesn't get to travel due to roving criminals. The Matheson boy (Danny) has asthma*.

Charlie flounces off to the woods just in time to miss her father being threatened and shot by an asshole agent of the government and her brother getting dragged off in his stead. Before her father dies, he hands the ornate necklace/mystery data to a pal of his who used to work for Google and tells him they need to go to Chicago to hook up with Miles and retrieve Asthma Boy. New Squeeze insists on tagging along.

4. They walk five minutes and pass Wrigley Field. Charlie meets Hottie With a Crossbow (Nate). The group sleeps in a defunct plane and gets attacked by roving criminals. Two of the baddies are killed by the old "oh, you think this is whiskey? it's actually poison and now blood is streaming out of all your orifices. psych!" trick, while the third is picked off by Crossbow Boy.

5. Charlie, Google Guy, Squeeze and Bicep McFlex find the hotel where Miles is staying. He's a drunk and not too keen on battling the government for some kid he's never met. When a bunch of soldiers storm his hiding place he changes his mind, though, 'cause when a complete stranger claims she's your niece and nearly gets you killed you should totally agree to cooperate with her. During the fight we find out Nate is a government agent (boo), but he saves Charlie yet again from a baddie (yay). Sweeeeet emooootionnnnnn. We also find out that Mr. Matheson might have known how to turn the power back on but didn't want the information to fall into the wrong hands.

6. Meanwhile, Asthma Boy escapes the clutches of Scary Government Agent, but succumbs to an attack of asthma (surprise!!!). He wakes up still in handcuffs, camped out in some nice lady's house. She decides not to shoot him, but clues Agent Man in to his whereabout when he comes sniffing after the tracks Danny left. Bummer. He gets dragged away yet again. Asshole Agent sends a dispatch to Commander-in-Chief Asshole (Munroe), who turns out to be Miles's buddy from the car. Dun dun dunnnn.

7. Once the coast is clear, Nice Lady goes upstairs, activates a silver device that looks oddly JUST like the silver medallion necklace thing Google Guy now has in his possession, and turns on a computer. She sends a message to someone ELSE with a computer and electricity letting them know all's quiet on the western front. Her chat buddy types back, "Now what?"

Good question! Want an episode 2 recap?**

*IMPORTANT PLOT POINT!!!!!1111
** Donate to support this Write-a-Thon blog! The money goes to charity: http://bit.ly/U2mu0q

Top 10 Reasons I Will Not Return Your Message on Match.com

Is your dating site inbox looking a little lonely?  Are you winking, poking, and Dougie-ing to no avail? You may need to read the Top 10 Reasons I Will Not Return Your Message on Match.com.

After a glance at your Username…

1. Letsmakeout28, hereforbeer, futuredr, talldrkhandsome.
Translation: player, partier, poser, pretty boy.

… I go straight to the Pictures (admit it: you do too)…

2. Your shots were all taken in one evening, in a bathroom, or with your pet.
You don’t go anywhere or have friends, do you.

3. I can’t actually see your face/body clearly.
I’ve never been a fan of mystery meat.

4. You have no pictures up.
“Hi! I’m lazy and enjoy wasting your time!” 

… then I actually read your Profile.

5. Your intro starts with “I’m not sure why I signed up for this...”
Uh, let me know when you figure it out?

6. “I like to travel and have fun.”
You and every other person on the planet.* 

7. You mention you’re tired of the Bar Scene.
Thanks for letting me know you’ve repeatedly gone creeping for dates, AND been unsuccessful.

I get the Message.

8. “Hey sexy/gorgeous/hot stuff/sweetcheeks…”
I’ve spent hours crafting a profile reflecting my inner snowflake, and you want to focus on my appearance? 

9. “you’re pics are really cute, LOL. im hopping to get to know u better.”
Perhaps you are a third-grade dropout. Or the Easter Bunny.

10. “I just got out of an 8-year relationship/haven’t dated in a while/live at home…”
Translation: “Hope you enjoy baggage/awkward advances/sneaking around!”

Did you sail through the list scot-free? Tune in for Top 10 Reasons We Will Not Be Going on a Second Date.

*Hermits and agoraphobics excluded.

Part One: Old-School

Oops. Guess I'm actually supposed to write stuff on this thing, huh?

Blogspot claims I got 75 pageviews on my first post (at least seven of which were probably me making sure the platypus was sized properly), but no one left a comment suggesting writing topics. Guess things are going to be freestyle until one of you gets bossy.

I've harbored a suspicion over the past few months that my mail was disproportionately comprised of charity-related junk (free address stickers, world maps, notepads and assorted change [who the hell mails dimes?!]); to confirm this theory I started putting those kinds of envelope aside. I have SO much nonprofit mail piled up now that I'm tempted to make some kind of collage -- or use my roommate's shredder and rent out a confetti cannon.

I'd write off mail altogether (har har), but there is one glimmer of hope in my cubby. A while ago I signed up for a print subscription wherein famous authors and ones I'd never heard of would send me mail. For $5 I get 3-4 letters a month, addressed "Dear Reader," "Hey, you," "Hello friend," containing any story, joke, sketch or musing the writer wishes to share with a complete stranger.

These letters are the highlight of my morning commute, lunchtimes and rare nights in. I love the wildly different writing styles and perspectives, and reading actual penmanship is a pleasure -- as much as I adore texting and social media, I regret that my excellent handwriting has become vestigial.

To that end, I have a proposal for you:

Donate $10 or more to my Write-a-Thon page, and I'll mail you an honest-to-god letter. I'll even call you by your first name! I'm not sure the donation page shares addresses with me, so drop me a line with your info and I'll mail something out within a week.

Remember: this is for a good cause, and you can sell my letter to TMZ when I'm famous.